9.01.14.

Really, really sad. Can’t shake it at all.

1

9.01.14.

Really, really sad. Can’t shake it at all.

0

9.01.14.

Just about to pack up my duvet and pillows. I feel sick to my stomach and really scared. What if I’m not ready for this?

0

8.31.14. bpd recovery,

I’m not sure what to say really - this is an ending and I’m sad. I’m scared of leaving the safety. I’m scared that I will be alone and won’t be able to cope. I’m scared that I’ll become so ill again.

Idk. I’ll remember these 16 months anyway.

1

8.31.14.

I’ve been struggling these past few days. I’m leaving behind a place where I have been happy and a place that’s allowed me to recover more. But it’s positive. I’m moving into my own place. I just can’t shake the sadness or stop crying. Thank god for my friend Natalie, she’s got me through this!

1

I need to leave for Greenock in about half an hour, I’m going down to sign for my keys. But I’m not excited, I’m just sitting on my bed in my pyjamas. I’m feeling a bit sad about leaving - leaving my friend in particular. And a bit overwhelmed about all the hard work that’s required to move and decorate. I wish someone could do it all for me and I could just walk into a perfect flat but I guess I need to do this.

I need to remember I was feeling similar when I left hospital but moving into supported accommodation was good for me so hopefully moving into my own place will be the same.

2

My belongings are piled up in boxes around me - it’s finally starting to sink in. After 3 long years I am about to move into my own flat.

It’s all been excitement up to this point, a little bit of stress this morning (let’s ignore the dr d story atm) but now it’s sinking in I’m actually leaving. And that means I’m going to be leaving one of my best friends behind. I’m gutted. We do so much together. We have THE best laughs and man I just think she’s the greatest. I know she’s promised to come visit but it’s just gonna be the little things I miss like watching hollyoaks every night with her and shouting answers at the game shows on tv. And I know she’s going to be lonely here without me and that makes me sad.

Dr Deering let me down massively today.

A few months ago, when I decided to move back down to Greenock, I met with him to discuss working with him again. We came up with a plan that I would see him every two weeks, a psychologist the week I don’t see him, I could go back to the day hospital and I would have planned rest bite admissions in hospital. Perfect. Everyone was happy with the plan.

More recently, I’ve been in contact with him via email to keep him updated on how my housing application was going. Each time he’s told me to keep him updated and he’d see me when I move. So today I told him that my current psychiatrist is sending my referral to him and that I was moving in on Monday and asked when I could start seeing him. He told me he was on holiday at the start of September so it would be after that. Then, not much later, he emailed saying:

Hi Rach
I’ve just been speaking to my manager about this
There will be an allocations meeting discussion about what services should be in place following your transfer - I understand that there’s a 1 month period where glasgow services remain responsible for patients moving. Lets you get settled into your new flat and decide what input is needed to be put in place.
ONce allocations has been sorted we can see where things are at.
Hope the move goes smoothly!
DrD

I was raging. Absolutely fucking raging.
How fucking dare he drop such a bombshell so fucking casually into the conversation!

I told him exactly how angry I was. He should NEVER have promised me our agreed treatment plan without asking his bloody manager first! He has completely let me down. His reason why he isn’t allowed to make the deduction about my care:

…given the complexities in your treatment in the past and the extent of the contact you had with the service here: - like the length of time you were in hospital, being under the mentall health act etc then there are implications for the wider service than just my meeting up with you in the outpatient clinic.

I was shaking as I cried. I felt like I was back in hospital again. Everyone having meetings without me. Everyone deciding what’s best for me: if I could have my bathroom unlocked, if I could wear shoes, if I could pee without the nurse watching. I could feel it happening again - control of my life being taken away by doctors. I wasn’t having it and I told Dr D that I’m not standing for it anymore. I will not be treated as a disorder instead of a living human being who knows herself and has a loud opinion on what’s best. So when I am no doubt referred back to the bitch that is Dr Orr I am not going to let her grind me down again.

This is my life. My recovery. I will do what’s best for myself no matter what it takes. And I ain’t taking shit for any nurse, doctor or social worker.

(I’m gonna posts dr ds full emails)

2

8.28.14. wanker,

Dr Deering = complete disappointment.
I forgave him for sectioning me. He promises me the fucking world and then has a BRILLIANT idea to fuck it all up. What a fucking dickhead :)

1

8.28.14.

No no no no no.
Dr Deering cannot do this to me. I hope to god I have the wrong end of the stick.

1

8.28.14. bpd recovery,

The stress of moving is getting to me today. I’ve been happy/excited for the past couple of weeks about this new flat but today I feel really deflated and I just want to stay in bed all day.

The workers haven’t got any time to take me to Greenock tomorrow to sign for the keys. So that means I’m gonna have to go down on the train and it’s just a bit of a pain in the arse.

I’m planning on moving on Monday but my mum can’t get time off to help me and I doubt my dad will be able to either.

I’ve got to call about a community care grant which I’m really anxious about - I could cry actually.

The only person making this easier is my friend N. She’s been amazing helping me pack up all my stuff and just being there to make me laugh.

But seriously. I just want to burry my head in the sand hope someone else does it all for me.

2